FTX Founder Sam Bankman-Fried Shaves Head In Support of Canadian Truckers' Convoy
NASSAU, BAHAMAS — In a sign of delayed solidarity, crypto wonderboy and regulations expert Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has shaved his iconic luscious locks in support of the now defunct Canadian Truckers' Convoy.
"I realize I'm eight months behind," SBF said, gliding a hand along his shiny head. "But with all the hoopla the past few days concerning crypto regulation, I wanted to prove I'm for the little people. What better way than sacrificing my signature fro?"
Many crypto degens have lobbed significant scrutiny at SBF, questioning his motives for all the regulatory string-pulling on Capitol Hill.
"I get it. This is a touchy subject. No one likes regulations. But we need them. Who's going to protect you, the consumer, from fraud and corruption? Politicians, of course. They have the most extensive experience in this complicated field."
When asked about his recommendation for centralized, on-chain blacklists, SBF became frustrated, attempting to pull at the hair no longer on his head. "We can't let criminals use crypto rails as a way to do bad things. Committing violence. Human trafficking. Blocking streets and bridges. Protesting government mandates that are obviously for our best interests."
After his recent conversations with U.S. lawmakers, SBF is certain that they would never use crypto regulation as a means to control and intimidate their political rivals—especially now that he's leading the talks.
"Regulation is inevitable. I might as well front-run this thing for all you, eh? Isn't that what being the face of crypto is all aboot? Sorry, the accent just slips out sometimes."
Next week, SBF will be in Ottawa, receiving honorary citizenship from Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for all his hard work.
"Justin and I go way back. We dormed together a couple times at WEF events. Heck of a guy. Looking forward to seeing him again."
Representatives of the Canadian Truckers' Convoy declined to comment for this article, as they are banned from social media and still under a gag order.